Austin Powers meets Star Wars!
by MysticAlly
Summary: When Vader joins Dr. Evil, Austin Powers falls for Leia, Palpatine discovers Mojo, and Mini Darth is on the loose, the Star Wars universe will never be the same! Send it comments and ideas! Chapter 7
1. Mr Powers?

All characters either belong to George Lucas or Mike Myers.  
  
Chapter 1: Mr. Powers?  
  
If you just happened to be walking down 32nd London street 11:30 a.m. a certain Saturday night, you would have immediately been knocked off your platforms by the swooping of an electric-red Cadillac swerving down the road blaring "Hey, baby!" You would have been compelled to give the looser a one-fingered tribute, but you wouldn't have dared to when you saw that irresistible smile, the one that lighted up his face now.  
  
"I take it you are enjoying your new automobile," a white-haired British man said, his face on a computer screen near the steering wheel.  
  
"Absolutely! This baby's got a crankin horsepower!"  
  
"Indeed, Mr. Powers. We have also added a time machine and transporter. However, during testing they were displaying some complications. It would be wise if. Mr. Powers? Mr. Powers? Hello? Are you there?" 


	2. What a Ride!

Chapter 2: What a Ride!  
  
"We have to get out!"  
  
Leia rushed down the shaking halls ignoring Han Solo's desperate calls. The bitter cold winds were howling through the cracks of the damaged station, whirling about countless documents. Leia was searching for one.  
  
"Wait, wait, I found it!" the princess shouted.  
  
The two Rebels struggled through the collecting debris to the hangar. Han Solo looked back to Leia, who was falling behind.  
  
"If your Worship wouldn't mind."  
  
The black-armored menace, a tower of terror in his own right, Darth Vader and a band of stormtroopers marched suddenly through the entrance and were 20 ft from her. No. Not now. Not after that. Please, not now, not ever.  
  
"Leia!"  
  
Before anyone could pull a trigger, an amazing bright flash exploded with a mechanical growling and a red vehicle.  
  
All time stood still as a head with funky glasses and a toothy smile cautiously emerged from below the steering wheel, followed by another with chocolate brown braids.  
  
"Wow, what a ride!"  
  
Austin Powers glanced around, then saw the tall, weird guy in black.  
  
"Groovy crib you got here! Kinda chilly, though."  
  
Darth Vader could take no more of this.  
  
"After them!"  
  
Leia stared at the weird yet strangely good-looking man beside her.  
  
"On to the ship!"  
  
Austin saw the chick next to him.  
  
"Anything for you, love!" he grinned.  
  
The Cadillac burst from it's spot up the Millennium Falcon's ramp with a very surprised Han lying across the wind shield. When it screeched to a stop in the living quarters, Han practically leaped to the cockpit and lifted the ship off the frosty planet of Hoth, which was a little difficult with the strange, loud music shaking the cockpit walls. When all was clear, he went back towards the red thing to see if he could start to make sense of the incredible chaos he couldn't begin to comprehend. 


	3. I'd Love To Dance

Chapter 3: I'd Loved To, Mr. Powers  
  
Leia examined the interesting male specimen sitting comfortably beside her. He had a strange way about him that left her almost breathless. No, Leia thought. Don't be ridiculous. You don't even know him!  
  
"I'd like to thank you for rescuing me," Leia finally managed," sir. You know, I didn't catch your name."  
  
"Austin Powers. And what is yours, love?"  
  
"Princess Leia Organa, but you can call me Leia."  
  
"Delighted!"  
  
Leia suddenly realized that there was a strange music that was almost deafening her.  
  
"And what kind of music is this?"  
  
"Oh, you've never heard this? Would you care to dance, Leia?"  
  
Leia shot up, grabbed his hands and couldn't help her dreamy, smoky look.  
  
"I'd love to, Mr. Powers." 


	4. Bring Him to Me

Chapter 4: Bring Him to Me  
  
Darth Vader waited patiently for the transmission with the Emperor to connect. It had been an hour since. since the incident, and for once in his cold, dark life he was at a complete loss for words. He'd never encountered anything like this before, and he very much doubted the Emperor had ever.  
  
"Lord Vader."  
  
Vader kept his head tilted downward respectfully.  
  
"Master."  
  
"How did the Hoth mission proceed?"  
  
"A highly unusual occurrence interrupted our capture of the Rebels."  
  
"Oh? And what was the nature of this. occurrence?"  
  
Vader took a deep breath.  
  
"An unidentified object took form in the middle of the Rebel base hangar. The red craft then drove across the room, with the princess, into the Millennium Falcon."  
  
The evil, all-knowing eyes of the Emperor blinked.  
  
"Who was the driver?" he asked simply.  
  
"A human male."  
  
"And does he have a name?"  
  
"An identity card placed on the back of the vehicle read 'Austin Powers'."  
  
"Anything else, Lord Vader?"  
  
"Yes, Master. I sensed a very strange power surge coming off the direction of Powers."  
  
More disgusting lines drew across the Emperor's forehead.  
  
"A power surge?"  
  
Darth Vader nodded.  
  
"Yes, master, a power surge. It was similar to the force, but different. It was extremely powerful and could be dangerous if not dealt with immediately. I shall extinguish him as soon as possible."  
  
"No," stopped the Emperor. "I must have this power. You will bring Austin Powers to me unharmed. Dismissed."  
  
When the connection was cut off, the Emperor gleefully turned his chair around and stared at the galaxy that was all his. 


	5. Dr Evil and Mini Darth

Chapter 5: Dr. Evil and Mini Darth  
  
The long steel table was grounded in the airy room with wide open windows gave the conference room a peculiar atmosphere. But nothing could be more peculiar than the bald, twitching man wearing a sharply pressed gray outfit that lead the conference.  
  
"What do you mean we don't know where Powers is? He couldn't have just," he looked to the right," disappeared! Isn't that right, Mini Me?"  
  
A clone 1/8 the size of Dr. Evil that sat on a child car seat by Dr. Evil's arm obediently nodded.  
  
"Our Austin Powers detector says that he went to a whole other galaxy. Where exactly, we can't find out," said a calm, black-suited agent. "But a search for Powers wouldn't be nearly as fruitful as our investments in a wrinkle-diffusing syringe company called Botox. With these shares we can expect to make a $6.24 billion profit over 3 to 4 years. Nobody can threaten us in the stock market."  
  
Dr. Evil thought carefully, pouting his face.  
  
"But it isn't taking over the world. All our evil plans have been stopped by that International Man of Mystery! We must get him and his Mojo. But how? Scott!"  
  
Scott Evil was leaning on his chair with game controllers in hands and eyes on the small TV on the table.  
  
"Scott!"  
  
Scott turned around.  
  
"What now?!?" Scott yelled.  
  
"What are you wasting your time on now?"  
  
"I am trying to play Star Wars if you would just shut up and leave me alone!"  
  
Dr. Evil waddled over to the pest.  
  
"Zip it! Let me see this c*** you're idiotically playing with now"  
  
He grabbed the controllers and looked at the images playing before him. A bunch of white armored soldiers that looked like droids were running around with blasters.  
  
"See? Look how stupid this is! Why don't you go suck your thumb, baby! Baby want a bottle" mocked Dr. Evil. He shut up, though, when he saw what was now on the screen.  
  
"There he is! There's Powers!"  
  
On the TV Austin Powers was sitting in red Cadillac in big ship hangar next to a young brunette. And nearby was a menacing looking black suited bad guy.  
  
"And there," Dr. Evil pointed at Darth Vader," is my ally!" putting finger quotes on the last word.  
  
"Since I was a young evil genius in Lincoln, Nebraska and I watched my first Star Wars movie and saw that evil dark lord, it has been my dream to work with the 'second' best bad guy in the universe. And now, with Austin Powers so conveniently there, I can now join with Darth Vader and defeat Powers once and for all."  
  
Scott rolled his eyes. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Star Wars isn't real! A**hole!"  
  
"Hey," Dr. Evil retorted, "When I team up with Vader I'm going to get his lightsaber and stick it up your a**! Oh, what is it, Mini Me?"  
  
Dr. Evil lovingly bent to hear Mini Me's request into his ear.  
  
"Oh, of course, Mini Me! How sweet!"  
  
Dr. Evil patted Mini Me's head.  
  
"What now?" Scott asked impatiently.  
  
"Oh, Mini Me offered to stick Darth Vader's lightsaber up your a** for me. Why can't you be as thoughtful?"  
  
Only by Dr. Evil's guards did Scott not strangle Mini Me.  
  
"Hey, you know what that reminds me?"  
  
"What, Dr. Evil?" asked an agent with one blind eye.  
  
"We should bring a gift to Darth Vader. With this," Dr. Evil brought up a Vader action figure, "we can clone the Sith lord and give it to him as a present. But be careful with that toy. I've had it since I was a little boy in Lincoln, Nebraska."  
  
"Oh, did you play Imperials and Rebels, too?" asked the one-eyed agent.  
  
"No. I used to burn the local ducks and squirrels with a lighted stick and pretend it was Vader's lightsaber." Dr. Evil smiled with a dreamy gaze. "I have very fond memories with my little Darth."  
  
"Dr. Evil, the cloning has been completed."  
  
Everyone turned to the entrance of the conference room as a 2-ft Darth Vader lookalike, complete with helmet, cape, and boots, walked in. Mini Me sneered.  
  
"Aahhh! It's perfect!" squeeled Dr. Evil.  
  
"I shall call it," he put his pinky to his mouth and looked to the lift, " Mini Darth!"  
  
Mini Darth walked up to Mini Me. Mini Me glared. Mini Darth kicked.  
  
"No, no, Mini Darth! Bad Sith, bad Sith! Be a good evil lord!" Dr. Evil scolded, spanking Mini Darth's gloved hand.  
  
"And now, we shall proceed to the Star Wars universe! May the force be with me!"  
  
Dr. Evil, Mini Me, Mini Darth, and Scott Evil jumped into a revolving circular Star Wars transporter thingy. 


	6. Leia!

Chapter 6: Leia!!!  
  
"LEIA!!!"  
  
Han Sola fell against a wall, not taking his eyes off her.  
  
Leia was wearing a Union Jack sleeveless dress that ran 5 inches short her knees with ankle-high black leather boots and her hair cut in a chin-length choppy Cameron Diaz style. Her head was bobbing with laugher as she danced with the guy in strange bright clothing and thick glasses, struggling not to spill the champagne held loosely by her manicured hand. Han treaded forward.  
  
"Who the h*** is that man!?!?!" Han's eyes bulged, his face red with fury.  
  
Leia turned innocently and giggled, obviously a little tipsy.  
  
"Oh, you mean Austin? This is the International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers. Austin, this Han Solo, the Galactic A** of Misery."  
  
Austin couldn't help a smile.  
  
"This is quite a shagadelic ship you got here! Did ya make it?"  
  
Han glared. He glared, and then, he spoke.  
  
"Get out."  
  
A very p***ed off Leia slapped Han's red face.  
  
"Han Solo! How could you say that? Austin is going to., is going to, he going to,.,., Austin is going to help us defeat Darth Vader."  
  
Austin's ears perked up.  
  
"This wacked up son of a b**** is going to beat up the second strongest Imperial in the galaxy?"  
  
Leia radiated a newborn confidence.  
  
"Yes, he is! Austin Powers is the most renowned secret agent in his planet! And," a brilliant idea popped into Leia's head, "he has something even stronger than the force!"  
  
"And what is that?" Han asked with hand on hip near a tempting blaster.  
  
Leia's eyes were 4 inches from Hans' and she whispered, "He won me over, no?"  
  
Han stopped and thought it over. He couldn't argue against that.  
  
"All right. He can stay."  
  
Austin jumped and did a little dance.  
  
"Groovy! We're roommates! Let's get the party started!"  
  
"I couldn't have said it better myself!"  
  
Shakin to Shakira's 'Tango' (I can't get enough of that song!), Austin and Leia tangoed on the Cadillac.  
  
"If anyone cares," Han weakly offered, wishing dearly for Leia. "We're going to Bespin to get our hyperdrive fixed." Han walked reluctantly back to the cockpit. He didn't even bother to tell them that he knew a friend there.  
  
Leia drew herself closer to Austin.  
  
"So, we're going to deal with this Darth Vader figure."  
  
Leia rolled her eyes.  
  
"Yes, yes, but first deal with my figure! Keep dancing!" Austin chuckled.  
  
"Anything for you, baby!"  
  
They sat down on the Cadillac's hood and ate some Starbucks Mud Pie Ice Cream (best stuff on earth) and gazed at the starry view shimmering before them.  
  
"You have to be really careful, Austin."  
  
"What's that, love?"  
  
"You have to be really careful with Darth Vader. He's ruthless and evil, and, and I don't want to lose you, like," Leia felt the cold brush of her memories and shuddered to Austin.  
  
"What's wrong, doll?"  
  
Leia blinked back tears and forced a smile.  
  
"Nothing, Austin. You'll be fine. Let's shag." 


	7. Darth Vader?

Chapter 7: Darth Vader???  
  
"Where."  
  
Scott's question was cut off by the whizzing speeder car that nearly slammed his head.  
  
Mini Me was clinging to Dr. Evil's bald head while Mini Darth was wrapped around Dr. Evil's leg.  
  
"Ahhh! Get off my head you freakin mutt!"  
  
Dr. Evil eventually threw off Mini Me.  
  
"Scott, where the freakin are we?" Scott wasn't listening. He was drooling at a pair of hot babes in fishnet stockings and thongs (remember that bar scene in AOTC?). Dr. Evil slapped him.  
  
"What? What? Oh, I think we are in Coruscant?"  
  
Dr. Evil impatiently crossed his arms.  
  
"Oh, that is sooo helpful! Like I know what "Coruscant" (from now on quotation marks in dialogues mean the finger thing!) is!"  
  
"It's the planet the emperor lives on, ass!"  
  
Dr. Evil's eyes brightened up!  
  
"Did you say, 'emperor'? What?"  
  
Dr. Evil looked down to see Mini Me innocently tugging at his jacket and pointing at Mini Darth, who was running towards a big palace nearby.  
  
"Come back, Mini Darth! Come back!"  
  
Dr. Evil grabbed Mini Me and did an Olympic sprint while throwing Mini Me like a lasso over his head, then threw the squealing clone at Mini Darth. He and Mini Me rolled for a few seconds until Dr. Evil came with a brown leash in hand.  
  
"Ok, Mini Darth. If you can't be a good Sith lord I'll just have to tie you up."  
  
With that, Dr. Evil tied the leash underneath his sulking helmet.  
  
"Why did you do that, ass! Maybe the dude was taking us somewhere important, like the emperor!" implored Scott. Dr. Evil's eyes brightened.  
  
"Yes, yes, the emperor! Come, Mini Darth, take us to your leader!"  
  
Meanwhile, not too far away..  
  
Darth Vader walked diligently down the Executor's hall to the navigation room.  
  
It would be best to capture this Austin Powers in Coruscant, he thought. From there I'll work my way through the galaxy. He instructed a navigator to land the ship near the Imperail Palace. But that power, that strange power so like the force, and yet, so different. I must find out what it is.  
  
The Executor landed right in front of the palace. The landing was momentarily delayed, however, when the crew started gawking at a couple of scantily clad beautiful women near the palace. Darth Vader immediately slapped the crew with the force. I'll have to tighten palace security.  
  
Darth Vader is a very observant and ready man, yet despite his 36 years of rigorous Jedi and Sith training nothing prepared him for the sight of a two foot clone of himself leashed by a pale bald gray-suited man followed by his clone and a weird teenage boy with strange and clothes, running all in a row, screaming "Come on, Mini Darth! Get the emperor! Good boy!" towards the palace. For a moment the stunned Sith lord just stared at the procession, especially at the copy of himself. After regaining his composure, Darth Vader froze the intruders with the force. Dr. Evil squealed.  
  
Darth Vader treaded carefully to them and released his hold. The bald man gasped got a little jumpy.  
  
"Oohhh! It's you! Darth Vader!!! I have traveled far and much, well, maybe not that much, to see you!"  
  
Darth Vader studied the strange man.  
  
"Who are you and where have you come from?" he demanded.  
  
"Hey, do you have asthma? Oh my, Darth Vader has asthma! Good thing I brought my spray! I'll save you!"  
  
Dr. Evil took an asthma spray and sprayed it all over Darth Vader's mask.  
  
What in the galaxy is this psychopath doing? Asked a fuming Vader to himself.  
  
He promptly wiped the alien liquid from his helmet.  
  
"Stop. You will discontinue this nonsense. Answer my questions: What is your identity and planet of origin?"  
  
"I am the great evil entrepreneur Dr. Evil. This is Mini Me, that pathetic looser is Scott ('ass' muttered a certain teenager) and this," said Dr. Evil, putting his hands on Mini Darth's shoulders, "is my present to you. Mini Darth."  
  
Darth Vader stared at his clone. And I thought the emperor had sickening, queer tendencies.  
  
"You are all to go to my ship and remain in custody until your interrogations. I am tired of this nonsense."  
  
Dr. Evil almost cried.  
  
"But you need to help me find Austin Powers!"  
  
Darth Vader's ears (or sensors?) perked at this. He turned slowly back at the band of idiots.  
  
"Do you know of this Austin Powers?"  
  
Dr. Evil snorted.  
  
"Are you freakin kidding me? He is my arch nemesis. He is all that keeps me from taking over the Earth!"  
  
Darth Vader pondered at this. Sure, I'll have to put up with this stupidity. But I will get Austin Powers, learn about this earth. and I might even get to keep that cute little dark lord sucker.  
  
"Very well. If you assist me in capturing Austin Powers and remain in my captivity, you will not be interrogated or tortured."  
  
"Yahh!" screamed Dr. Evil. He grabbed Darth Vader by the shoulder, holding Mini Me upon on his own shoulder.  
  
"We are FAMILY!!! Dark lord, evil genius and me! Oh, oh."  
  
"Ohhhh, shut up!" screamed Scott. He took out a stereo and played, 'Yoda' by Weird Al.  
  
Darth Vader tried desperately to groan. Why me, why me!!! 


End file.
